 | Category: Life
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Monday, November 30, 2009
The Blues
Kharmic dialogue
| Current mood:  quixotic Category: Religion and Philosophy Ever feel like something is just beyond your grasp. You can see it but you cannot reach it? Like the trapeze acts in the circus. You have the flyer and the catcher. The flyer can see his goal. To be caught in mid-flight or mid-fall depending on your point of view before and to continue living life or the alternative, splatting into the ground below. The interesting thing about that scenario is that no matter what the flyer does right or wrong ultimately it is up to the catcher to make the catch determing his fate. I am at a point in my life where I have seen the goal but it has eluded me for reasons not of my making. I have been fortunate to have met the "one" the "love of my life", my "soul-mate" not once but twice. 22 years apart but the same person. Don't get me wrong I do believe we can love many different people in our lives as well as be loved by many different people. But we all know we really want the "one" if we get the shot. My "shot" was deflected by another before I could get the ring on her finger. I recently had the opportunity to discuss this with my "one" and the thing that seperated us from a life-long marriage was nothing I could have prevented. To give the Readers Digest version, crazy, pyscho ex-husband got in the way. What I guess I am saying here not so eloquently is that when you feel like the "one" is just out of your reach don't stop reaching because you might get lucky and get caught. And if you don't, it's may not have had anything to do with what you did or did not do so don't tear yoursefl up over it. But as long as you keep reaching out you still have a chance to get caught. And it may not be by the "one" you thought it would be. Of course you will still probably splat a few times in the process but what the hell, love is like cartoon physics. You get flat as a pancake the shake it off and move on.
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Trane
| Current mood:  melancholy Category: Music A single name "Trane" can evoke many adjectives such as Bluesy, Avant-Garde, Jazz, Melodic, Soulful, Beautiful. To me it's a pure expression of emotion within the structure of a societal norm, still being individual while being universal in scope.
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An Innocent Man
| Current mood:  nostalgic Category: Romance and Relationships I listen to music not only to entertain myself but to reconnect with the past. We all have songs that take us back to a moment in time. Tonight it's Billy Joel's An Innocent Man. This album (yes I said album) came out in 1983. About a year prior to CD's. I have fond memories associated with the songs. I was in love with the love of my life at that time. My soulmate. We went to this concert and had seats on the floor. Row 18. I had dislocated my ankle a couple days before playing Volleyball but managed to squeeze my swollen ankle into my my boots. I could hardly walk but when Sandy looked at me during the title song "an innocent man" all the pain went away, and we danced with the crowd. 23 years later she is still apart of my life. I can always re-live that time by playing this album. Hmmm. I think it's time to make another mix cd for her....
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letters
| Category: Romance and Relationships I was cleaning out a box of stuff from the attic and came across a copy of a letter I sent to a dear friend in 1994 a month or two after I witnessed the Family Fitness Center massacre in El Cajon. As much as things change over the years a lot of it remains the same. If you want a glimpse into your past with a bit of the present thrown in go to that shoebox in the closet and read through some old letters. |
Once more unto the breach...
| Category: Romance and Relationships Fear. It pervades my life. It causes me to take turns I do not neccessarily wish to take. There are times when I override it and go where i wish to go. Today for instance. Starting a friendship with a new woman. Some of you out there are probably thinking "Fear? What Fear?" what is so fearful about starting a new relationship, hell I do it all the time" Well, for some of us it's a difficult thing to do given that we have had many failed relationships with only a precious few succesful ones. Not just failed relationships but relationships that crashed and burned in epic stature. The stuff movies are based on. So it's not a fear of asking someone out or the possibilty happiness. Hell no I welcome happiness, I embrace it every chance I get. It's the fear of having put yourself on the line again only to crash and burn. AH but you say "just get back up and do it again". That is all fine and well but after so many crashes a small part of you get's left behind in the ashes you tend to get a little protective of the pieces that are left. You get a little picky about risking those pieces again. But I am a hopeful romantic so I say "Once more unto the breach my friends, once more..." wish me luck ;) Scott |
Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding
| Current mood:  tired Category: Religion and Philosophy I have come to realise that I am at my happiest (with the exception of when my daughter visits) when riding my bike. Maybe it reminds me of a time in my youth of pedaling my Schwinn Stingray with the banana seat and 'sissy bar' around my San Diego neighborhood in the hot breezes of Summer. Nowadays I rack up 8000 miles a year riding my Cannondale road bike around the streets of San Diego and the 'hills' of the East County. Today I met up with a couple friends from my cycling club Big Ring Racing/Dewalt to pre-ride the road race course for the June 24th race. Many cyclists come up with various excuses why that can't come out and join you on the Boulevard race course. It scares the non-climbers with it's multiple climbs with as much as 7% grade. We were supposed to ride the first lap of two 'easy' to warm up and the hammer the second lap. Well I guess it was 'easy' if you define easy as 25mph into a 15 mph headwind! Ugh. I hung onto the wheels and waited for the climbs. Considering I have not done a sustained climb in over two months and have done very little 'intensity' lately while getting over the 'crud' that went around and nursing what is possibly a tear in my hamstring on my right leg it went really well. 19 mph average for 44.8 miles with half of that climbing :) Damn I love this sport!!
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Lido Shuffle
| Current mood: nostalgic Oh to go back to my early twenties with the knowledge I have now. Where is Mr. Peabody's wayback machine when you need it!
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Being true to ourselves
| Current mood:  hopeful Category: Romance and Relationships Today I was chatting with a freind who has been going through the trials and tribulations of being in a relationship with someone who shall we say has a dubious history with women. Suffice it to say that the relationship ended this week after many months of her not being the woman that she really is. Confusing huh? Well haven't we all adjusted or character or our mores or even or ethics just a smidge for someone just because we didn't want to be alone anymore? After all they can't be all that bad if they like me so much right? The problem when we do that is the regret we feel when that relationship ends. We feel worse about how we purpoted ourselves more so than the fact that we got dumped. I spent a few hours this morning talkng to my friend, making her laugh and listening to what she had to say and keeping the obvious "I told you so" to myself. By the time we ended our conversation she realised that she had a new begining in front of her and that she no longer wanted to quash her character anymore for someone who in the end didn't really give shit anyway. The moral of this story? Be who you are and not who someone else wants you to be. In the end it's you who looks into the mirror and sees the real you and you have to be able to be proud of what you see. It may mean that you go to bed alone alot more than not, and that in itself will make it better when you do have someone to share your bed.
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No one knows
| Current mood:  crushed Category: Friends No one knows what is happening at any given moment to the people in their lives unless you are right beside them or 'talking' to them when something happens to alter their plans or arrangement made with you. All we have to go on is the last thing said to us in the absense of furthter information. Sometimes this leads to misunderstandings, reactionary behaviour or just wondering "WTF?". Nobody is right or wrong under those circumstances. The person who forgot or didn't think it was neccesary to communicate a change in plans simply didn't think they needed to or perhaps an emergency came up and there was no time. The other person unfortunately has time to think and wonder "what happened?" That's when the trouble begins. If they have a history of people flaking on them whether it's this person or not it colors their perception of the situaton. In my case I have had a friend who was going through what turned into a nasty divorce and was being stalked and terrorized by her ex so anytime a female friend of mine doesn't get a hold of me when plans were made or tentaively made and a day or so passes without any word then yes the thought does go thru my mind that they may be in trouble or worse. I guess what I am trying to say here is there are always two sides to consider and friendships should be stronger than misunderstandings or misinterpratations of facts and both parties should always want to clear them up. Thank you for reading thru my ramble. |
"Time wounds all heals"
| Current mood:  contemplative Category: Friends "Time wounds all heals" is a phrase that was stamped on the inside groove of a 45rpm (that's vinyl for you kiddo's) released by Pat Benatar in 1988. The tune is "All Fired Up" from the "Wide awake in Dreamland" album. It reminds me that no matter what has been done to us or by us to other people and whether or not we thnk we have healed time keeps ticking away and it doesn't give a rat's ass as to our thoughts. No matter how much others try to protect us by staying away thinking that if they do then they won't be the cause of our hurt it just doesn't matter because sooner or later Father Time will schedule a nano-second of remembrance and the feelings will come back. Hoepfully we will be in a better position to handle them the second, third or one millionth time around. Maybe we will and maybe we wont. But I do think we are better off risking that hurt by continuing friendships even if there is a risk they may say or do something to cause of pain inadvetantly. Catylysts are reactionary agents not causal.
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The End of the Innocence
| Category: Life
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The Last Time
| Current mood:  loved Category: Romance and Relationships
Do you remember? I do. Summer 2001. You were leaving on a trip the next day that you had been lookng forward to for a long time. Things were changing in your life for the better. Both our lives were changing for the better. After many years and many others the two who the Universe had destined to be together were finally together. The weather was warm up in the mountains of San Diego that day. The view was beautiful, you were breathtaking as usual. More so without the makeup and your hair down. Just you. A little older than the 'girl' I had met making my sandwhich at Brad's shop two doors down from my work, Licorice Pizza Records and Tapes so many years/lives ago. After finishing our hike we walked to our cars to go to our seperate homes I walked you to your car we kissed. Nothing special. It was the kiss of two people who expected to do that everyday for the rest of their lives. A fateful trip changed all of that and once again we live apart but still a part of each others lives. The lesson here folks is this...Kiss that special person each and every time like it's the last time because it just may be the last time and don't you want to remember the last time you kissed the love of your life? You wore kahki shorts, and I believe a light blue top and the most beautiful smile a man can ever hope to see. |
Pocket Sailboats
| Category: Life On saturday I turn 44. In poker terms that's "Pocket Sailboats". For the first time in many years (decades?) I am working on my birthday. Usually I take the day off or go on vacation for a few days but not this year. Many years ago I would go to Disneyland on my birthday with a date. I still have special memories of visiting the House of Mouse with a particular blonde woman many many years ago. We braved the maximum capacity crowds just to get on a few rides during a 12 hour day at the park. They actually shut the gates for a couple hours because Disneyland was at maximum capacity 50,000+ people on a 100 degree day! 2 hour wait just to ride Mr. Toad. As far as I was concerned there was just one other perosn there besides me, it was S.M. (anonimity kept). It didn't matter that we had to stand in lines for hours. That just meant more opportunities to talk. I was in love and when you are in love with someone there is no one else in the World but them. What I would not give to have one more day at the Magic Kingdom with S.M :) So this year my B-day will more than likely be just another uneventful day. It will probbaly pass unnoticed by those around me except for family and my daughter calling me. And if if does it's not the end of the World because I can recall fond memories of a day spent 23 years ago at Disneyland like it was just yesterday. |
A song or two
| Category: Romance and Relationships If I had to pick just one or two songs to express how I have felt about someone throughout my life it comes down to two. The first is "Wheels" by Maria Mckee. If you do not know who she is she fronted the band Lone Justice in the very early 80's. She was aptly described in Rolling Stone Magazine as "Janis Joplin meets Patsy Cline". Check out her stuff. I picked this song becuase just like the singer in the song I know when a certain person is somewhere nearby and when they are thinking of me. Freaky huh? Everytime this particular woman would try to suprise me at work she could never do it. I always see her before she sees me. I know the sound of her footsteps. She knows this and still cannot sneak up on me. I spotted her once in a crowded Sports Arena during a San Diego Soccers game. I wish you never even loved me It makes it so hard to live without love now I know you're often thing of me Sometimes I feel you so close by that it takes all my might to keep from trying to track you down The other song is by the greatest pop band of all-time (sorry Stones fans) The Beatles and that songs is "In My Life" There are places I'll remember But of all these friends and lovers Though I know I'll never lose affection Music is the soundtrack to Life. This is for you Nature Dame... "Granitewalker" XOXOX |
Hot Buttered Popcorn
| Current mood:  rejuvenated
What a treat tonight :) I popped popcorn the old fashioned way. Not by placing a bag "this side down" in the microwave and pushing the 'popcorn' button. No you youngsters who read my blogs may have never experienced popcorn prepared this way and that is a shame! But alas, fret not because you can still by popcorn kernels in a jar. Get yourself a 4 quart pot and 3 Tbs of oil and 1/3 cup of the golden kernels and heat them up! Ah the sound of those little golden buggers sizzling as the oil starts to boil there little insides until "POP" and the fluffy white taste treat is released like a butterlfy from it's cocoon! The lid being forced off from the expanding kernels. The fun of pouring hot melted real butter over the little white fluffy food is a joy as well. And the taste of fresh popped popcorn the old way brings back memories of Grandma babysitting in a New Years Eve when I was a little boy and the two of us popping popcorn in the kitchen. And then in High School popping mass qauntities enough to fill a grocery bag for the double feature at the Drive-in hoping you wouldn't see all the movie ;) Hmm, there is a Drive-in close by.....Anyone up for some hot buttered popcorn and a double feature :)
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Top Ten reasons being Tall sucks/kicks ass
| Current mood:  amused Being a person who is not altitudinally challenged (I am 6'3") has it's benefits and it's challenges. So here is the Top Ten Reasons Being Tall Sucks/Kick's Ass:1. Feeling like you need a shoehorn to get into ANY ride at Dismeyland. 2. You can always spot friends/hot chicks while waiting in crowded places 3. Trying to buy a new pair of jeans only to find that the size runs stop at 33 waist 34 inseam 4. Being able to look down the blouse of any woman without having to try! 5. Not trying to look down the blouse of any woman you are talking to! 6. Everybody uses you as their own personal step stool to get to the high shelf 7. Altitudinally challenged women just don't get why you want to 'date them' 8. Just how many times can you hear someone ask if you play basketball before you go 'postal' on them. 9.When climbing you get to ask "what crux?" after reaching 8 inches higher then your climbing partners. 10. Tall body, big hands, big feet.......
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What's the Worst thing you have ever seen?
| Category: Life What's the worst thing you have ever seen? October 1993 I was working at Silo in El Cajon. It was just another day selling audio gear and drinking coffee, killing time. The life of a commssioned salesman. I was up near the front of the store when I heard a shotgun blast. No it didn't sound like a backfire from a car. You cannot mistake the sound a double barrel shotgun makes when it is fired nearby. As I moved to the front window to take a look another blast from the shotgun rang out. As I looked out the glass sliding doors into the parking lot I saw a body lying on the sidewalk across the parking lot about 50 feet away. I pushed between my co-worker Gary and his customer at the front counter and reached for the phone and dialed 911. As I was talking to the Police operator the gumman shot out the front windows of the Family Fitness Center shattering the glass. He walked into the building and you could hear more blasts from the shotgun. As I was describing what was happening to the 911 operator one of our stockers and one of the install guys were runninig over to check on the first body slumped on the sidewalk. As they reached the body the gunman came back out of gym through the broken glass windows and calmy walked to his brown 280z parked in front of the wndows. I told the 911 operator what he looked like, height, size, clothing.Then he sat down in the drivers seat of the his car with his feet still on the pavement. One fianl blast from the double barrell shotgun and the 'blowback' came. A cloud of flesh, skull, blood and brains came out of the car in a fine mist as his feet lifted from the ground and twitched involuntarily for a few seconds then fell back to the pavement. I told the 911 operator that he had killed himself. She asked if I was sure. I was. I told her what I had seen coming from the car. He had killed 4 people and injured others before killing himself before my eyes. It was a few days later that we learned that he had gone there looking for a girl to kill her. We thought at first that it was just some random killing spree and we had been spared. The media hung out for a couple days. They new the 911 call had come from my store but did not know who had made they call. They wanted to know and kept asking my bosses but they wouldn't say. I eventually told them it was me just to get them out of there. I was interviewed by Mark Walton for PM Magazine. My 15 minutes of fame. 13 years later I still can vividly picture that asshole blowing his brains out in front of me (and others). For him it is over. For those of us unfortunate to have been there thay day it pops up in the occasional dream or when I hear what sounds like a gunshot. That's the worst thing I have ever seen. |
Tick Tock
| Current mood: contemplative Category: Religion and Philosophy Time You can lose it You can keep it You can make it You can pass it You can save it But you cannot stop it, rewind it or travel forwards or backwards through it (not yet anyway). We live in a moment of time which we cannot see coming or going only that we are in the moment. The past is billions of moments lost to us and the future is billions of moments which are filled with opportunities coming to us. We cannot know in advance which moments will be important or not so it is imperative that we live as much as possible in each and every moment we can. |
Angel of the Mountains
| Current mood: cheerful Category: Sports Today was the day I thought some of the other members of the "San Diego Mafia" as Breinne from the CTS forums likes to call us were gong to ride Palomar Mountain. It's next week, lol. For those not fortunate enough to live in the land of arm and leg warmers only in Winter, Palomar is the Alpe'd'Huez of Southern California. The measured part of the climb (for those that like records) is just a tad longer than 11 miles.The "record" is 00:56:00 and it is rumored that a certain individual with a shiny new hip has done it in 00:48:00. I measured it at 11.7 miles. Now the fun part...the average grade is 9% and the last 7 miles is 11% Average. It's relentless it does not flatten at all. Over 4000 feet of climbing. If you atart from the casino parking lot 15 miles away the entire ride is just over 5400 ft of climbing on 46 miles. This was my first time riding this hill since it is a 65 mile drive to get there and we pay way more for gas here than the rest of the countty, price of paradise I guess. Tall guys can climb (6'3 160lbs) I smoked it! My time was 01:18:00 (9mph average) in an 39x26 gear at 72rpm ave cadence. I got out of the saddle for some of the steeper switchbacks but 95% of the time was in the sadddle. I felt good the whole way even though I was either in Time Trail, Climbing Repeat range or Steady State the entire climb. On the way down I couldn't figure out why my bike was wobbly...it wasn't the bike it was me freezing my ass off! I had to stop and put the arm warmers and vest back on and even then I was still shaking at 35mph. Note to self: pracitce descending more. I was way too tentative going into the corners on the way down. I have a new favorite ride. -Scott |
Nice Guys
| Category: Life Occasionally I'll be watching T.V. Yes, I love television, among a lot of the filler is some very good entertainment. And for those that say they "don't watch tv" I say too bad you are missing some good entertainment. And there are times when a character does something that reminds me of me. Tonight I was watching "What about Brian?". Brian is the odd man out in his circle of friends in that he is either not married or not in a relationship. (like me) His friends are all involved with someone. Brian's best friend is about to get married to Marjorie. The subplot from last Spring is that Brian has a thing for Marjorie but since his best friend is marrying her he has stepped aside. Well tonight we find out the history of Brian and Marjorie. It turns out that Brian met her first at a New Years Eve Party earlier that year. He had seen her enter the room from his vantage point on the baclony. He went down to talk to her. A little later in the evening he was bringing her a drink when he spotted his best friend chatting her up. His friend new that Brian was interested in her. Brian being the kind of guy that he is he decided that he wouldn't cut in on his friend (lifelong friend from the 3rd grade) since they had always said that they would not let a girl get between them (bro's before ho's). Brian'a always the nice guy and has his buddies back even though his friend usually has his own back first before Brian's. Well Marjoire still has a thing for Brian but also loves Adam (the friend) so borrowing a scene from "The Graduate" Brian borrows a car and rushes to the Church to tell Marjorie not to marry Adam. She tells him it's too late, that he should have done something sooner. So what is all this about and why did I tell you about the story? Because Brian and I are very much alike. We will defer to others and step aside and let them have their happiness at the cost of our own. Or we wait too long to say what should have been said and now it's too late. Nice guys walk a very thin line. There is so much expectation surrounding you when you are a nice guy that if you deviate slightly towards a selfish act it shocks everyone. Unlike when that person you know who usually acts without regard to the feelings of others does soemthing selfish and it doesn't raise an eyebrow from the circle of friends. The thing is nice guys are just what we are and cannot change. I don't think we should even if it means not getting the girl. Nice guys don't finish last, we just take a little longer to get there. After all it's the journey not the destination. (thank you for letting me ramble) |
Dancing Cheek to Cheek
| Current mood: loved Category: Romance and Relationships Look around, everywhere you turn is heartache Why doesn't anybody dance like that anymore? Sometime around the end of the 60's people got the notion in their heads that you don't need someone else to dance with, just someone to dance at. I am often asked if I dance by women I meet and I say "no" because I know that they mean by todays definiton of dancing with a partner. Whatever happened to having your dance partners body in your arms, moving as one across the dance floor in a sexual rythm? Kids today don't know what they are missing...just a hopefull romantic is me. ;) |
Solo Breakaway...Paul and Phil in my head.
| Current mood: cheerful Category: Sports Today is/was Sunday so that means the McDonald's ride once again. -Scott A qoute from the book "DANCING ON THE PEDALS the found poetry of Phil Liggett the Voice of Cycling" THE LONGEST KILOMETER |
