| The Blues Today started out like any other day except I actually slept in...until 7am. I was suposed to race today but my Orthopedic Surgeon doesn't think racing with a torn 'hammy' is a good thing to do and somehow as I age I must be gaining wisdom and common sense because I agree! I was pleased to see a freind of mine logon to msn messenger. She just came out of a relationship with a man of shall we say...dubious character. The Cliff Notes version for you ADD people: We met 3 years ago and had a couple dates. No Chemistry (she for me) but we have become good friends talking on a regular basis. She knows I would glady date her if I could. Well today she said something and without intending to she brought on the Blues I instantly had one of those days............ Sometimes I have days where I think the loneliness will consume me. I rarely if ever know when they are going to come. On those days it just takes a "nudge" to get me emotional to the point I feel like crying. It is most likely depression. I have never sought professional opinon on this subject although a lot of people have probably thought I shoudl! LOL. I suspect I have been living with it for a very long time. There are times when I am happy. Most of the time I am happy. I have had periods of time in the past where I was truly and unequivocally ecstatic. The last time was a period of 7 months when a friend and I were finally together after many years of being kept apart by that pesky thing called 'life' and the nasty way it has of getting in the way at the most inopportune of times. That was 5 years ago this week and it was the last time she and I were together as a couple. Maybe my Id is playing tricks on me today. I had not realised the date until later this morning when I was trying to shake my 'blues'. I have had a less than succesful run of late when it comes to dating. Maybe I had my chances early in life? I met and was with for substantial periods of time with some remarkable women in my twenties and just into my thirties... Dot, Deb, Sandy,Karen, Carrie, Kelsey, "A", one of which is was 'the one' (but that story is for another time and not here). It has gotten to the point where I just do not want to keep having this frustration when it comes to my lack of relationships of late or I stop trying all together completely to save myself from falling farther into Dante's Inferno. Hell isn't red folks it's mood indigo blue. My friend tells me that I will find someone and she is most likely right. But it still doesn't make it any easier and it won't stop the 'blues' from overwhelming me when I least expect them to and making me feel like I want to 'check out' when it does. Tomorrow is another day and most likely I will be chipper as HELL! Yes I am screwed up but at least I know it! ;) -Scott | 
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