The Blues

Friday, June 23, 2006

The Blues (orignally posted in June) Category: Life The Blues Today started out like any other day except I actually slept in...until 7am. I was suposed to race today but my Orthopedic Surgeon doesn't think racing with a torn 'hammy' is a good thing to do and somehow as I age I must be gaining wisdom and common sense because I agree! I was pleased to see a freind of mine logon to msn messenger. She just came out of a relationship with a man of shall we say...dubious character. The Cliff Notes version for you ADD people: We met 3 years ago and had a couple dates. No Chemistry (she for me) but we have become good friends talking on a regular basis. She knows I would glady date her if I could. Well today she said something and without intending to she brought on the Blues I instantly had one of those days............ Sometimes I have days where I think the loneliness will consume me. I rarely if ever know when they are going to come. On those days it just takes a "nudge" to get me emotional to the point I feel like crying. It is most likely depression. I have never sought professional opinon on this subject although a lot of people have probably thought I shoudl! LOL. I suspect I have been living with it for a very long time. There are times when I am happy. Most of the time I am happy. I have had periods of time in the past where I was truly and unequivocally ecstatic. The last time was a period of 7 months when a friend and I were finally together after many years of being kept apart by that pesky thing called 'life' and the nasty way it has of getting in the way at the most inopportune of times. That was 5 years ago this week and it was the last time she and I were together as a couple. Maybe my Id is playing tricks on me today. I had not realised the date until later this morning when I was trying to shake my 'blues'. I have had a less than succesful run of late when it comes to dating. Maybe I had my chances early in life? I met and was with for substantial periods of time with some remarkable women in my twenties and just into my thirties... Dot, Deb, Sandy,Karen, Carrie, Kelsey, "A", one of which is was 'the one' (but that story is for another time and not here). It has gotten to the point where I just do not want to keep having this frustration when it comes to my lack of relationships of late or I stop trying all together completely to save myself from falling farther into Dante's Inferno. Hell isn't red folks it's mood indigo blue. My friend tells me that I will find someone and she is most likely right. But it still doesn't make it any easier and it won't stop the 'blues' from overwhelming me when I least expect them to and making me feel like I want to 'check out' when it does. Tomorrow is another day and most likely I will be chipper as HELL! Yes I am screwed up but at least I know it! ;) -Scott

Kharmic dialogue

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Kharmic dialogue Current mood: quixotic Category: Religion and Philosophy Ever feel like something is just beyond your grasp. You can see it but you cannot reach it? Like the trapeze acts in the circus. You have the flyer and the catcher. The flyer can see his goal. To be caught in mid-flight or mid-fall depending on your point of view before and to continue living life or the alternative, splatting into the ground below. The interesting thing about that scenario is that no matter what the flyer does right or wrong ultimately it is up to the catcher to make the catch determing his fate. I am at a point in my life where I have seen the goal but it has eluded me for reasons not of my making. I have been fortunate to have met the "one" the "love of my life", my "soul-mate" not once but twice. 22 years apart but the same person. Don't get me wrong I do believe we can love many different people in our lives as well as be loved by many different people. But we all know we really want the "one" if we get the shot. My "shot" was deflected by another before I could get the ring on her finger. I recently had the opportunity to discuss this with my "one" and the thing that seperated us from a life-long marriage was nothing I could have prevented. To give the Readers Digest version, crazy, pyscho ex-husband got in the way. What I guess I am saying here not so eloquently is that when you feel like the "one" is just out of your reach don't stop reaching because you might get lucky and get caught. And if you don't, it's may not have had anything to do with what you did or did not do so don't tear yoursefl up over it. But as long as you keep reaching out you still have a chance to get caught. And it may not be by the "one" you thought it would be. Of course you will still probably splat a few times in the process but what the hell, love is like cartoon physics. You get flat as a pancake the shake it off and move on. Currently listening: The Beautyful Ones Are Not Yet Born By Branford Marsalis Release date: 01 October, 1991

Trane

Monday, January 23, 2006

Trane Current mood: melancholy Category: Music A single name "Trane" can evoke many adjectives such as Bluesy, Avant-Garde, Jazz, Melodic, Soulful, Beautiful. To me it's a pure expression of emotion within the structure of a societal norm, still being individual while being universal in scope. Currently listening: Newport '63 By John Coltrane Release date: 20 July, 1993

An Innocent Man

Monday, January 30, 2006

An Innocent Man Current mood: nostalgic Category: Romance and Relationships I listen to music not only to entertain myself but to reconnect with the past. We all have songs that take us back to a moment in time. Tonight it's Billy Joel's An Innocent Man. This album (yes I said album) came out in 1983. About a year prior to CD's. I have fond memories associated with the songs. I was in love with the love of my life at that time. My soulmate. We went to this concert and had seats on the floor. Row 18. I had dislocated my ankle a couple days before playing Volleyball but managed to squeeze my swollen ankle into my my boots. I could hardly walk but when Sandy looked at me during the title song "an innocent man" all the pain went away, and we danced with the crowd. 23 years later she is still apart of my life. I can always re-live that time by playing this album. Hmmm. I think it's time to make another mix cd for her.... Currently listening: An Innocent Man By Billy Joel Release date: 20 October, 1998

letters

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

letters Category: Romance and Relationships I was cleaning out a box of stuff from the attic and came across a copy of a letter I sent to a dear friend in 1994 a month or two after I witnessed the Family Fitness Center massacre in El Cajon. As much as things change over the years a lot of it remains the same. If you want a glimpse into your past with a bit of the present thrown in go to that shoebox in the closet and read through some old letters.

Once more unto the breach...

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Once more unto the breach... Category: Romance and Relationships Fear. It pervades my life. It causes me to take turns I do not neccessarily wish to take. There are times when I override it and go where i wish to go. Today for instance. Starting a friendship with a new woman. Some of you out there are probably thinking "Fear? What Fear?" what is so fearful about starting a new relationship, hell I do it all the time" Well, for some of us it's a difficult thing to do given that we have had many failed relationships with only a precious few succesful ones. Not just failed relationships but relationships that crashed and burned in epic stature. The stuff movies are based on. So it's not a fear of asking someone out or the possibilty happiness. Hell no I welcome happiness, I embrace it every chance I get. It's the fear of having put yourself on the line again only to crash and burn. AH but you say "just get back up and do it again". That is all fine and well but after so many crashes a small part of you get's left behind in the ashes you tend to get a little protective of the pieces that are left. You get a little picky about risking those pieces again. But I am a hopeful romantic so I say "Once more unto the breach my friends, once more..." wish me luck ;) Scott

Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding Current mood: tired Category: Religion and Philosophy I have come to realise that I am at my happiest (with the exception of when my daughter visits) when riding my bike. Maybe it reminds me of a time in my youth of pedaling my Schwinn Stingray with the banana seat and 'sissy bar' around my San Diego neighborhood in the hot breezes of Summer. Nowadays I rack up 8000 miles a year riding my Cannondale road bike around the streets of San Diego and the 'hills' of the East County. Today I met up with a couple friends from my cycling club Big Ring Racing/Dewalt to pre-ride the road race course for the June 24th race. Many cyclists come up with various excuses why that can't come out and join you on the Boulevard race course. It scares the non-climbers with it's multiple climbs with as much as 7% grade. We were supposed to ride the first lap of two 'easy' to warm up and the hammer the second lap. Well I guess it was 'easy' if you define easy as 25mph into a 15 mph headwind! Ugh. I hung onto the wheels and waited for the climbs. Considering I have not done a sustained climb in over two months and have done very little 'intensity' lately while getting over the 'crud' that went around and nursing what is possibly a tear in my hamstring on my right leg it went really well. 19 mph average for 44.8 miles with half of that climbing :) Damn I love this sport!! Currently listening: Live in Europe 1964 By Howling Wolf Release date: 09 May, 2006